I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
richiiebam. CC BY-SA 2.0 · Wikimedia Commons
Tommy Cooper
British comedian and magician known for feigned mishaps during tricks. Starred on television from the 1940s until his on-stage death in 1984.
11 quotes
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
I went to the doctor and he said 'You've got two weeks to live.' I said 'Can I have the last two weeks of July?'
I went to the doctors the other day. I said 'Have you got anything for wind?' He gave me a kite.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.
I met this man with a wooden leg called Smith. No, I don't know what his other leg is called.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says 'A pint for me and one for the road.'
I was in the supermarket and I saw a packet of bird's eye peas. I couldn't see the birds.
I went to the doctor and he said 'You've got a week to live.' I said 'Can I have it in August when I'm not doing anything?'
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French. Surprised me, it came in a suitcase.