Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Humor
Wit for when you need to exhale.
124 quotes
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.
Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other, milk.
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to bed with reluctance, yet once there, we do not want to leave.
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.
Look at him, a rhinestone in the rough.
Hollywood is the one place where you can die of encouragement.
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.
Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.
The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
I was born modest, but it didn't last.
Man is the only animal that blushes — or needs to.
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by readin'. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch an electric fence.
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Insanity is hereditary: you can get it from your children.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that whatever would get you grounded then gets you cheered now.
Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
Shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he is doing nothing, the probability is he is not taking a shower.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
I went to the doctor and he said 'You've got two weeks to live.' I said 'Can I have the last two weeks of July?'
I went to the doctors the other day. I said 'Have you got anything for wind?' He gave me a kite.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.
I met this man with a wooden leg called Smith. No, I don't know what his other leg is called.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says 'A pint for me and one for the road.'
I was in the supermarket and I saw a packet of bird's eye peas. I couldn't see the birds.
I went to the doctor and he said 'You've got a week to live.' I said 'Can I have it in August when I'm not doing anything?'
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French. Surprised me, it came in a suitcase.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
I don't care to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
It ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs.' Sorry for the convenience.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous — everyone hasn't met me yet.